lightness of being

Easter is coming.  That calls for a Sunday Brunch, and for me, no brunch is as fine as one with live jazz.  So that's what I'll be doing this year; enjoying a four-hour repeat of last year, with family and friends lining both sides of a very long table but without the better half of me, the love of my life, seated to my right. 

I was asked by perceptive and kind friends if I thought I could handle it.  Emphatically, yes, I know I can.

I think I'm doing tremendously well.  I will brag without hesitation, for getting to this point of doing well, has been earned.  It's earned in the deepest, most private and painful moments on the darkest days and nights I've ever known.  If I can survive them, I can handle anything.  

So, blow that horn, mister sax man!

Ironically, the sonnet below is a piece I've loved for many years and shared with too many people.  I would read it to Spoke before I slipped it in each condolence note to be mailed, my voice always struggling through my tears; tears which he had come to anticipate. 
He would expect and accept nothing less.
 
When he died, the poem was no longer heartbreaking words on paper but a portrait of my new life.  Where I went, he was there.  He was pain.  The pain stalked me.


Time does not bring relief; you all have lied
Who told me time would ease me of my pain!
I miss him in the weeping of the rain;
I want him at the shrinking of the tide;
The old snows melt from every mountain-side,
And last year's leaves are smoke in every lane; 
But last year's bitter loving must remain
Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide.
There are a hundred places where I fear
To go--so with his memory they brim.
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, "There is no memory of him here!"
And so stand stricken, so remembering him.  


I knew I could not remain in the constant state of pain.  The grieving widow I became, was all about me and not only did its focus not relieve my pain, it did nothing to honor the man I love. 

As mysteriously as winter is turning to spring, I am pushing myself, much like a bulb, to higher ground where I think I will settle for a while, maybe even bloom.  As we were attached in life, Spoke continues to be with me.  I finally feel his presence within me.  I see the signs he sends.

Heavy weight has been lifted and I have a lightness of being.  Memories and longing still consume minutes of every hour, but I have come to more graciously welcome, embrace, and celebrate them as reminders of, and gratitude for, our love story.  I know Spoke would expect and accept nothing less.   


 



Time Does Not Bring Relief (Sonnet II)
Collected Poems, Edna St. Vincent Millay